When it's not Perfect!!!

                Some days he called, some days he did not. Did not make a difference to her. Some days he came home and some days he stayed out, never mattered. Some days he made love to her and on others he didn’t, did not make a difference either. He adored her, praised her and drooled over her. He wanted her to be happy always. He wanted to see her beautiful face the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. She was the apple of his eye. He loved her. But all this never mattered to her because she did not. She had been trying for a year but she could not make herself love him back. She was a dutiful wife in bed and otherwise. She always made it a point to smile when he expected her to. She took care of him and his family. They were all very happy with her. But she was not happy.

She did not love him.

She had already loved and lost.

Yes, she had married him of her own will. Yes, she had said I do at the altar. But she had not wanted to. For years she had dreamt for a home with someone else. A beautiful house facing the sea, trips to exotic foreign locations, arguments over a baby girl and boy and their names. They had planned it all. Life seemed perfect and fulfilling. What could be better, she had thought at the moment. They had been very happy, occasionally fighting and then making up to love each other more. The bond had grown over time, the love had gone deeper. Life was nothing without him. She could not bear not to meet him even for a day. On days when he was caught up with work, she would get anxious and wait for him to call her. She never got angry when he was frustrated with her, she never let him slip out of her mind even for a minute. There never passed a second when her love for him did not grow. He loved her equally. They were perfect. They were happy. They were the best for each other. No force they thought, could let them apart. They yearned to spend their nights in each other’s arms and their mornings looking at each other. It was now time, they thought for their dreams to come true.

That was when they decided to get married and their lives changed. Changed for the bad.

The families did not agree. They did not let them get married. They made her marry a boy of their choice. Who the boy was, did not matter to her, she only affirmed their decision. Life wasn’t the same since them. She no longer dreamt but only had nightmares. She stopped looking at magazines and movies because those foreign locations reminded her of him. She moved to a new city because his fragrance lingered in the air. Every time her husband touched her, she closed her eyes and could only feel him nibbling on her tender lips. She tried to fall out of love with him but fell in deeper. She tried to love her husband but failed. She was a soulless body now. She had understood that she was now incapable of loving and giving, of being happy ever again. Despite having everything that a person wants, a prospering career, a loving husband and a caring family, she was unhappy. Every attempt at resurrecting het life had failed. And now, after a year post marriage they wanted her to have a baby. She could just not let go of this dream of her. The little baby she had always dreamt of had his brown eyes and his smile. That is when she knew she could not do it anymore. Love can never be lost. Only wrapped in a box and tucked away. But what if the love was bigger than the box. She was living a meaningless life and there was no way to add meaning to it.

As she stepped over the terrace wall and the cool breeze hit her, her nostrils were filled with his fragrance, her eyes could picture their happy faces, she was saying I do and the groom was him. Her last thoughts were

“In you I found love and in you I found life

Without you there is none.”

A Beautiful Nightmare

She was wearing the color red, a big smile on her lips. She took a swirl, put her hands in the air swaying them to the music playing. They had chosen the music together. The walk down the aisle made her feel like a princess. All eyes turned towards her, little children looking at her with awestruck eyes, running towards her. A tear or two in the corner of her mother’s eyes. A look of contentment on her father’s face. Love in his eyes. The sounds of laughter in her eyes. The aroma of delicious food filling her nostrils. Butterflies playing hide and seek in her stomach.

It was her big day. The day she had always dreamt of. A fairy tale wedding was what she had always wanted and this felt no less. She was the princess and he, her princess. A tale they had woven together that they could talk of to their grandchildren. He took her hand and took her to the stage. Together they sat before the fire God taking their vows, holding hands, love filled their hearts. The smile never left her face. Her eyes brighter than the shining lights around. She could not get enough of all the blessings and compliments that the guests were showering on them. They were all so happy. She had ultimately got what she had wanted for all those years they were together. All the efforts they had put in , all they turbulence they had faced , hand in hand.

It was all perfect.

And then her eyes popped open. The wooden floor hurt her back. Alcohol made her feel dizzy. The stench in the house was nauseating. She looked at her bare hands and searched for the red bangles. She touched her hair and tried to feel the vermillion .She looked around to see an empty house with no guests smiling at her. There were no lights, only unending darkness. There was no smile on her lips, only the feel of dried tears in on her cheeks. No red dress, just a red dress he had gifted her years back, she wanted to throw it away. The feel of it sickened her. The feel of anything belonging to him sickened her.

For all these years, all she had wanted was to be with him. To love him. To hold him and to be held by him. It was astonishing how her want had changed, How she wanted just the opposite now. Her heart felt limp as if it had been taken out. Her body felt tired. She had not eaten for hours and yet hunger was nowhere close to her. Love was a strong emotion, she thought, hate was stronger, she now realized.

He had left. Without a reason. Without looking back. Without thinking of her. Everything was not hunky dory, she knew, but she had still wanted to stay on it. But he had left. Gone.

It had all been a dream. A bad dream. Nightmare.

The Impossibility of a Possibility

The box was small. She could easily fit in .But she was trapped. She tried coming out but it wouldn’t open. She tried banging on to it asking for help. No one came. Getting into it was her decision. Adventure was what she looked for, now it had trapped her with nowhere to go. She had no choice left than to accept the situation and keep waiting to get out of there.

The environment inside was comfortable. She sat cross legged and took a deep breath. The box was colored she saw, with some of the most beautiful combinations. They uplifted her mood. She touched the surface. It was smooth and she wanted to keep touching it and so she did. There were little birds drawn on the walls. They kept telling her she would fly like them. One day. One day she would escape and she would be out there, free and above the rest of the world. The floor of the box was soft and she could comfortably sit there. There was silence and peace in the air. She could hum her favorite songs and sing them out loudly. The box would give her perfect company.

She felt their rhythm matched. They were so much at peace with each other. One perfectly accommodating the other. The trap didn’t feel a trap anymore. It felt the perfect place to be in. She was loving the place. The thought of what would happen later didn’t bother her. All that mattered was the perfect time that she was having. The impossibility of being stuck in it didn’t strike her. She wanted to build her world inside. To stay there away from the worldly beasts. In the arms of the box she could feel solitude and contentment. Complete, is what she felt. She had been yearning for this space since a very long time. Away from the chaos, away from the struggles, strength is what she felt. Leaving didn’t seem attractive, staying did. And she knew she would have to go. She prayed to let her be there. She tried not to make any noise lest someone come and set her free. The loneliness felt a boon, the company of many a bane. She recoiled at the idea of going back to the world. The place seemed so much hers. Made for her. Perfect.

She heard footsteps coming towards box. Someone had come and unlatched it. Was calling out to her to come out. She dreaded leaving. Did not want to come out. She kept sitting there and someone called out again, this time in a louder voice and she rushed outside.

The box had been her hideout since childhood. The impossibility of the possibility of being trapped had always attracted her.

How Are You??

                “You have a beautiful smile”, they say. Yes indeed, she thought, “I do have a beautiful smile, but you could never go beyond that.” You walk, you work, you talk, you laugh and you dance and they praise. And then you retire to the little corner of the world and you feel. You feel what you want to feel and not what others want you to feel. You stare into nothingness and still you see visuals of what never happened and what never will. You wait while the plethora of thoughts pull you down.

                You think of everything that you want to forget and then you fight to bring yourself to reality. An eerie silence spreads and it lunges you into nothingness. The dark suddenly seems more attractive and the noise levels within you far surpass the noise of the crowd and the blaring music in your ears. You walk and never want the path to end .The night is your savior. With dried eyes you walk. A thought of going back seems too distant. “You have to go back “, the mind says, “They will be looking for you.”

                “They, my heart says, “Yes they will be concerned. Yes they will look for me. But they will never find me. I am far away from where they are looking for me. In the darkness, hiding in the remotest corner. In a place that is unreachable. In a place that is secluded. In a place only I can see and sometimes I miss it too. They will never look in the corners, I know. They will walk the streets and return. I could take them there but they won’t come. Because they only want to show they looked for me, they don’t really want to find me. I stay here all alone looking into the night. The memories lashing at me every second. The flicker of the future getting fainter with every minute. Void is what seems to be overpowering me. I do not want to fall. I want to rise and yet the chains are too strong to be broken. They restrain me. The thoughts are mine. The memories are mine. They only praise the smile. A good human being they call me.” Being is what seems to be going away from me.”

                The wait in the darkness seems endless. Who do I wait for? I wanted to go away from them. I wanted to run into oblivion. I wanted to lose the plasticity. I wanted to be me. I wanted to feel. Loneliness attracted me. I could cry and shout and scream. Let it all out and yet I wait .I could easily walk back and yet I don’t. I sit there waiting. I wait and I wait and I wait for one single voice to come and ask me, “How are you?”

Through Her Eyes..

                A drop of water touched her face and she instantly looked up. Drops of rain fell on her face and trickled down her smooth skin. She could feel the water trickling down her face and her hands. She had always loved rains since the time she had danced in the pouring water. She remembered that day and started walking down the street. The rain had grown heavier and she was drenched and yet she was enjoying it to the fullest. It had been days since she had heard such happy sounds around her. She could feel the world coming alive around her. Suddenly she felt a touch..

                Someone had held her hand. Entwined his in her’s . The hand was pulling her towards the other end of the street.  The touch sent a strange feeling down her spine. Her lips curled into a faint smile as she was being rushed. The touch felt more beautiful than the rain. It made her feel beautiful. It made her feel alive. It made her feel wanted. It made her feel happy. It made her feel safe. And it made her feel for that walk to never end. These feelings were unknown. She wondered whether they were feelings at all. It was the first time she was unable to understand herself. The first time she kept calling her inner self for answers and was unable to hear anything

                They came to a halt and her head went into a frenzy. She wanted some answers. And then she heard him say “Are you Okay”. And then he yelled at her for not being careful and not looking at the vehicles driving down the road towards her. But she was not listening to all of that. The voice was like wine, getting onto her very slowly and very smoothly. Music could not be better. It was another worldly feeling. He kept on talking and she kept on listening. Seconds felt like hours and words felt like roses. She felt warm and every beat of her heart was attracting her like a magnet. She could feel him looking down at her and a strange smile crossed her face. She kept looking at him not realizing that their hands were still entwined. Tightly. Bound by threads of unfamiliarity. Bound by bonds of nascent love. And then he could hear him ask again “Are you Okay?”, he said “ Tell me, please” . She could feel the care and worry in his voice. “Ehh.. Yes”, she replied. And she could fell him heave a sigh of relief. But then she felt she should never have replied. He told that he had to leave and left abruptly.

                She wanted to hold him back. The only thing she wanted right now was to stop him and ask him to stay back. Entwine her hand with his and stay there in the pouring rain hearing him talk. She wanted to get to know him. To talk to him. To enjoy the rain with him and to spend every other rainy day with him. She wanted to experience that feeling of togetherness again. She wanted to see his eyes staring at her. She wanted to feel him. To dance in the rain. To shout out to the world that she was in love..

                The least, she wanted to see him. For the first time in life she had hated the color black. She hated the color in which blindness had painted her world.

Beautiful in White

                She stood in white at the gates of the eighteenth century church, dressed in white, flowers in her hands and a faint smile on her lips. She looked beautiful in white. Her beauty sparkled in the shining sun. A light breeze blew and ruffled her wavy and silky hair which went down up to her knees. This was the place where they had seen each other first. Kneeling down at the altar they were both praying with closed eyes. When she opened her eyes she saw him looking at her. There was a glint of sparkle in his eyes and an expression of sincerity on his face. Something inside her churned and created a funny yet pleasurable feeling. She smiled back at him. Hi he said. And that is where it had all begun.

                The violins which she thought played only in movies were playing in the background. He was introducing himself as they walked back to the gates of the building through the most beautiful garden together. He was talking to her and she was lost in his voice. When the time came to say good bye, they both wanted to stay. He asked her out for coffee and she immediately agreed. They were the best two hours of her life. She had never smiled so much .She had never been this happy with anyone before.  As he dropped her home that day there was rhythm in her gait as she walked to her door, it was the rhythm of happiness.  

                As she lay in her bed, she thought of him. Her phone buzzed with a Hi. And his voice ringed in her ears. That moment she realized she had fallen in love with him. A tear dropped down her eyes. And cupid had struck. They started meeting frequently and when they were not together they were on the phone. They knew their love for each other and she was waiting for the question to be popped.

                A month later he proposed. Her happiness knew no bounds. Before the vast expanse of the sea, standing on the top of a hill, the sky colored in shades of orange and blue he had knelt before her and asked her to accept his love. “I love you.” He said, “And I would love you until the sun forgets to rise again.” She had smiled at this. ” Will you accept my love” and she had nodded and held his hand. They hugged and their shoulders felt moist. Since that day onwards their love had only grown. They had loved and hated each other, fought and made up. They were each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They were always there for each other in happiness and in despair. They were best friends and stole some benefits at times.

                Five years later she popped the question. She was dressed in white. He loved her in that color. They were on a beach. The cold breeze blowing. Her hair blew in the wind and caressed his face. They held hands. A musician was playing soft music in the background. Facing the horizon she had asked him, “Will you marry me?” And the rest as they say is history. They had returned to the same old eighteenth century building to get married and had the most amazing married life.

                Today a year later, she stood in the same building reliving her memories. The tumor had transformed her life from reality to memory. Memories is all she had now. Her life had dried away just as the flowers in her hand. She had held the same flowers on her wedding day. She was devastated. She was destroyed. She had promised she would not cry and she had not up till now. But she felt a tear running down her left cheek. She wiped it off. And then she smiled at the irony of her life. A Year earlier she stood there in white for the biggest happiness and today she stood there in white again for her biggest loss. And then she started walking towards the coffee shop and decided to spend her next two hours there.

The Bloodless Murder

                She dropped to the floor, her heart pounding  , tears rolling down her cheeks, she could not sense her existence. Everything was a blur. Life was coming to an end. There was no future, no present  , the past had killed it all. She kept calling him as he left but not a sound could be heard. She had taken a decision , a decision to commit suicide without killing herself , she had taken a decision to survive and not live, she had taken a decision to leave the love of her life.

                This was worse than committing suicide she thought as she lay on the floor in a puddle of her tears. She could not let him go like this. She wanted to stop him , call him back to her , have that smile on her lips again, but she could not for he had murdered her a long time back.

                She had a beautiful smile, everyone said that to her. Her flawless skin was like the flowing river getting brighter in the sunlight. She had loads of friends and they loved her. She was a cheerful bubbly girl, full of life, always happy and making others happy. And then she met him. That day changed her life. She fell in love with him. He fell in love with her. She had met her knight in shining armor. Little did she know he came with a sword. Love blossomed . And soon they were together. He was everything or her. She would go to any lengths for him . She could kill and get killed. She would never let him be sad . She would never say a no for an answer.

And with this she changed. No more friends , no more smiles. Her eyes were sad as they were tired of giving. He used her,abused her and yet she listened. He shouted at her and yet she listened. He never understood her and yet she stayed. He never let her bloom and she stayed crushed. He never encouraged her and she never progressed. He never thought highly of her and she started thinking low of herself. She cried the nights , she survived the days. Her face was listless and her body cold. She hid her swollen eyes behind big spectacles. She lied that she could not sleep. She had nightmares of the monster killing her. Yet there never was any blood around.

She wanted to run away but love stopped her. She wanted to flee but she was bound by the shackles of love. She wanted to save herself but she did not. She knew it was like slow poison . she knew he was getting at her. Slowly and steadily he would kill her. The little emotions she had in her would all die. She would lose and how. She knew it and yet she accepted defeat. What better than dying at the hands of my love she thought. But yes she had hope, hope that he would change, hope that circumstances changed, hope that she would smile again.

But the hope died. He slapped her . He didn’t lift his hand. He slapped her with his words. She had gone out with her friends and he did not like it . And so he had shouted at her. She apologized but it didn’t affect him. He was like a mad bull. He was red with rage . he forced himse lf on her and at that very moment he killed her. Without a weapon, without a reason , without blood he murdered her. She pushed him away and asked him to leave and never come back . She was dead and the dead don’t love , they only haunt but in her case it would be her knight in shining armor who would haunt her all the rest of her life. A life with a body and no soul….