Beautiful in White

                She stood in white at the gates of the eighteenth century church, dressed in white, flowers in her hands and a faint smile on her lips. She looked beautiful in white. Her beauty sparkled in the shining sun. A light breeze blew and ruffled her wavy and silky hair which went down up to her knees. This was the place where they had seen each other first. Kneeling down at the altar they were both praying with closed eyes. When she opened her eyes she saw him looking at her. There was a glint of sparkle in his eyes and an expression of sincerity on his face. Something inside her churned and created a funny yet pleasurable feeling. She smiled back at him. Hi he said. And that is where it had all begun.

                The violins which she thought played only in movies were playing in the background. He was introducing himself as they walked back to the gates of the building through the most beautiful garden together. He was talking to her and she was lost in his voice. When the time came to say good bye, they both wanted to stay. He asked her out for coffee and she immediately agreed. They were the best two hours of her life. She had never smiled so much .She had never been this happy with anyone before.  As he dropped her home that day there was rhythm in her gait as she walked to her door, it was the rhythm of happiness.  

                As she lay in her bed, she thought of him. Her phone buzzed with a Hi. And his voice ringed in her ears. That moment she realized she had fallen in love with him. A tear dropped down her eyes. And cupid had struck. They started meeting frequently and when they were not together they were on the phone. They knew their love for each other and she was waiting for the question to be popped.

                A month later he proposed. Her happiness knew no bounds. Before the vast expanse of the sea, standing on the top of a hill, the sky colored in shades of orange and blue he had knelt before her and asked her to accept his love. “I love you.” He said, “And I would love you until the sun forgets to rise again.” She had smiled at this. ” Will you accept my love” and she had nodded and held his hand. They hugged and their shoulders felt moist. Since that day onwards their love had only grown. They had loved and hated each other, fought and made up. They were each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They were always there for each other in happiness and in despair. They were best friends and stole some benefits at times.

                Five years later she popped the question. She was dressed in white. He loved her in that color. They were on a beach. The cold breeze blowing. Her hair blew in the wind and caressed his face. They held hands. A musician was playing soft music in the background. Facing the horizon she had asked him, “Will you marry me?” And the rest as they say is history. They had returned to the same old eighteenth century building to get married and had the most amazing married life.

                Today a year later, she stood in the same building reliving her memories. The tumor had transformed her life from reality to memory. Memories is all she had now. Her life had dried away just as the flowers in her hand. She had held the same flowers on her wedding day. She was devastated. She was destroyed. She had promised she would not cry and she had not up till now. But she felt a tear running down her left cheek. She wiped it off. And then she smiled at the irony of her life. A Year earlier she stood there in white for the biggest happiness and today she stood there in white again for her biggest loss. And then she started walking towards the coffee shop and decided to spend her next two hours there.

The Bloodless Murder

                She dropped to the floor, her heart pounding  , tears rolling down her cheeks, she could not sense her existence. Everything was a blur. Life was coming to an end. There was no future, no present  , the past had killed it all. She kept calling him as he left but not a sound could be heard. She had taken a decision , a decision to commit suicide without killing herself , she had taken a decision to survive and not live, she had taken a decision to leave the love of her life.

                This was worse than committing suicide she thought as she lay on the floor in a puddle of her tears. She could not let him go like this. She wanted to stop him , call him back to her , have that smile on her lips again, but she could not for he had murdered her a long time back.

                She had a beautiful smile, everyone said that to her. Her flawless skin was like the flowing river getting brighter in the sunlight. She had loads of friends and they loved her. She was a cheerful bubbly girl, full of life, always happy and making others happy. And then she met him. That day changed her life. She fell in love with him. He fell in love with her. She had met her knight in shining armor. Little did she know he came with a sword. Love blossomed . And soon they were together. He was everything or her. She would go to any lengths for him . She could kill and get killed. She would never let him be sad . She would never say a no for an answer.

And with this she changed. No more friends , no more smiles. Her eyes were sad as they were tired of giving. He used her,abused her and yet she listened. He shouted at her and yet she listened. He never understood her and yet she stayed. He never let her bloom and she stayed crushed. He never encouraged her and she never progressed. He never thought highly of her and she started thinking low of herself. She cried the nights , she survived the days. Her face was listless and her body cold. She hid her swollen eyes behind big spectacles. She lied that she could not sleep. She had nightmares of the monster killing her. Yet there never was any blood around.

She wanted to run away but love stopped her. She wanted to flee but she was bound by the shackles of love. She wanted to save herself but she did not. She knew it was like slow poison . she knew he was getting at her. Slowly and steadily he would kill her. The little emotions she had in her would all die. She would lose and how. She knew it and yet she accepted defeat. What better than dying at the hands of my love she thought. But yes she had hope, hope that he would change, hope that circumstances changed, hope that she would smile again.

But the hope died. He slapped her . He didn’t lift his hand. He slapped her with his words. She had gone out with her friends and he did not like it . And so he had shouted at her. She apologized but it didn’t affect him. He was like a mad bull. He was red with rage . he forced himse lf on her and at that very moment he killed her. Without a weapon, without a reason , without blood he murdered her. She pushed him away and asked him to leave and never come back . She was dead and the dead don’t love , they only haunt but in her case it would be her knight in shining armor who would haunt her all the rest of her life. A life with a body and no soul….

It's a girly thing...!!!

               You look at her and she smiles back at you.She looks gorgeous in her black dress and loose hair.Her smile brightens her face and her vivaciousness drives you crazy.But somehow the same does not reflect in her eyes.Is she sad? Is she happy? Well you are confused. And you go by the look on her face.She converses with you like routine and you would never understand what is going on inside her.

            That's a girl for you.In one word I would describe them as 'Givers' . They give u life.They give you your first breath.They take care of you all your life in different roles but they would never let you in their inner world of demons. A girl would be fighting an emotional battle but she would still wake up every morning , get dressed to hide her fatigue and go out there in the world shining as bright as the sun and you would never know.Even though deep down she knows she will lose she will still go out their with a charm that will win her the world and you would never know. She might be facing a million problems but she would still listen to all of yours and give you a perfect advice and you would never know. She might be weeping inside but she would still come up with a smile to fool you and you would never know.

            The strength a woman holds inside her is immense and she can deal with all her emotions without letting anyone into it. No matter how difficult a situation comes her way she would stand upto it without a frown on her face and all people would know is that everything is hunky dory.

She would do anything to make you happy even if it takes her all her strength to stand there before you and fake a convincing smile and stop a tear. People assume women cry because they are weak but that is not what the truth is. The truth in fact is that women let out their pain and anguish in the form of water so that they can stand up to the situation more boldly and defeat it.Her life may have gone through a lot of hurdles but she would never let you know.She may have done things for others' happiness ignoring her own but she would still continue to do that. She may be hurt but when you apologize she would still feel bad that you have to say sorry. She will forgive and forget even though you don't. She will be the first to extend the olive branch.

              She may hate football but she'l still watch it for you. And she'l eat your choice of food too.

She'l do everything it takes to keep you happy which sometimes may ask for letting herself down, which is not the right thing to do but she would still anyway do it. She'l be nice to you even when you are being a jerk and accomodate you in every possible way.

            Closed, calm ,composed ,selfless.............that's a girl!!!

And all you can do is try...

                When life gives you lemons,  make lemonade. And what if the lemons are all dried up? What if you squeeze and squeeze and squeeze more but no juice comes out? What then? Should you just sit back and keep collecting the lemons or should you let life throw more and try each one of them with the hope that at least one will give some juice? Or should you wait for life to get tired of pestering you and find a new target?

                Problems will come. And you have to face them. There is no way out. The manner in which you face them is left to you. You can battle them with your armor on or get tortured and beg for mercy. You can be brave and help others as well or be tame and keep hiding.  But life would not be impressed by your valor, it would still keep whipping you with all its might. And all you could do is bear the thrashing or catch hold of the whip and strike back.

                To see the long and short of it, life will throw innumerable lemons or for that matter rotten eggs as well and you can either dodge them or put them to good use. Because you do not have an option to choose , you do not get to choose your problems , the timing of your problems or the intensity of your problems. So all you can do is stand upright against them and face them like a strong rigid wall. And if life got so overconfident as to give you a follow on like the once mighty Australians gave the Indians, you could still fight and beat them with your centuries and double centuries. So much so that it would have to think twice before giving you another follow on for a long long time. The only way out is to stay strong, have self belief and faith in yourself to come out of the big mess you are in. Come on, after all you have to  start somewhere even when you start cleaning your room. You  need to be calm and composed and focused because  to come out of the cage life has pushed you in before getting eaten up.

                Its all about self belief, courage and willingness to do something for yourself. For it is you and only you who can make your days bright or your nights gloomy. It is you who decide how to lead your life. Taking the whipping or thrashing back. Coming out untouched or bruised. Fighting your case or having no defense. It is you who have to throw all the problems coming running towards you out of the ring and emerge the winner of the royal rumble organized by life.

 Life is a mighty force. Cruel and unforgiving. To come out against it is like  clearing six backlogs in one go. Difficult but not impossible. No assured results but all you can do is try.

Let go...

Of the frown on your face
Let go...
Of the sadness in your heart
Let go..
Of the noises in your head
Let go...
Of the tears in your eyes
Let go...
Of the thoughts troubling you
Let go...
Of the things amiss
Let go...
Of the things holding u back
Let go...
Of the strings attached
Let go...

Lost...

Walking  down the street,

Treading a path well known,

Throngs of people walking past me,

And yet all I feel is ‘LOST’

                It is  all dark and gloomy. I do not feel sleep in my eyes and yet all I sense is darkness and haze. Vivid noises make their way to my ears and I instantly put my hands to my ears to stop them.I feel the presence of other beings around  me and I know I am not alone where I am but I do not know where I am .I am caught .I am stuck.  I am alone. I am Lost.

                It is a feeling of the subconscious mind. You can be there with a thousand people and still not listen to one. You can listen to a hundred voices and still not recognize one. You can be talking to people around you and still not be a part of the conversation. You can be taught multiple times and still not understand concepts. You can be having fun with friends and still be sad in the heart. You can smile and be happy and still feel guilty of that smile.

                It  feels like I am all alone in a crowd. I am here, I  exist here but I am unaware of my existence. I want to run away from where I am and I do not know my destination. There is no connection, not only with other people but also with myself. I do not understand the reason for my actions and when I ponder over it I do not remember the circumstances the action was executed. People say I am not me but I have forgotten who was me or how was me. I am striving to catch up with life and failing constantly. The time is running by and I am still stuck up in a time which is long gone by. Life is mocking at me and I am watching helplessly with tears in my eyes. I am struggling to find my way but I am lost on a path already travelled .

                I wish I could come out of this. I wish I could point a finger at life and say ,“Dude you can’t confuse me.” I wish I could get a hold on myself. I wish I could come back to light. I wish I was missing instead of being lost. Because missing is when people cannot find you but being lost is when you cannot find yourself. And I am Lost.

A Dried Rose Tells a Long Tale....

          Flipping through the pages if my diary, the sound of rain drops pattering against the window pane ,a mug of  hot coffee in my hand  I come across a dried rose concealed safely between the pages of the big fat book filled with excerpts from my life. The rose finds its place in the book as it is a part of my life  and I keep it safely just as all those memories poured into the book.If the book were a pensieve,the rose would invoke a memory of great prominence.
       The dried rose,as I hold it delicately so as to not crumble the pieces and destroy a memory tells me a long forgotten tale.A tale which had taken a back seat as other things had crowded my mind.But one look at the rose brings a rush of all those memories,the smiles associated with it,the feelings evoked in receiving it and the prominence of he occasion.
The other memory that immediately gushes into my mind is that of the long forgotten promise of a better future,the pain of putting all those happy times to rest,the efforts I took to focus my mind on other less important things.
    It reminds me of my struggle to survive,my struggle to not give up,the strength to not let myself crumble to pieces,to pick up myself although bruised,to walk all those miles to cross the line of defeat and win,the zeal it took me to put on a smile on those lips and a stop in those tears,the efforts I took to fund happiness when there was none on the horizon.
       As tears dwell into my eyes ,the thought of crumbling it to pieces races through my mind and I have a strong urge to destroy it,to destroy the part of my life which I want to go back and change. But then another thought makes me decide otherwise,it would be foolish to destroy something that once upon a time gave me happiness,the memory of which brought a smile on my lips once again.The memories which give me strength ,the memories which show me the mirror and tell me that I can now face anything that comes my way .
       And then I place the rose safely back between the pages .How could I destroy the dries rose that tells me a tale...the dried rose that tells me my tale.